My not so happy place.

Dear Colin,

This is a letter that I am writing you because the words that I have been telling you have not been getting through. Today is Monday, December 16th, 2012 and I know that this letter is going to take more than one day to write so I will be keeping track of time while I write this to you. I am sorry if this seems very formal and kind of cold but I don't know if any other way to tell you what is on my mind. I am falling apart and I just don't know how to handle this anymore.

I am looking for a man in my life, who actually wants to be in my life. I know that I have my faults, but I will at least admit them. I hate cleaning, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, sorting, organizing, and anything else that involves taking care of the house. I am also not fond of being a stay at home mom. I love my children, more than anything in the world, including you, but I just don't feel like I am meant to stay here every single day and take care of our kids. I feel like I should be working, making money and bringing something home for my family. I feel that you have made it very clear to me that you are a very important person because you are the one that makes the money. I don't even know how to make sense of what I feel right now, but I am so upset because of how you make me feel about your responsibilities, about how they are more important than my responsibilities.

I feel like there is not a time in the day that I am respected or treated well. You wake up in the morning complaining about some mess, or not being able to find something. Then you come home and complain about how I've done nothing all day long. Then it's a complaint about what or what time we're eating. After dinner I'm ignored, sitting around my living room, or in our bedroom, alone while you are playing video games. I have to entertain myself, watch movies alone, have no one to talk to. I get so fristrated when I am talking to you and then just a few minutes later I need to repeat myself because you haven't heard me. What's the point of even talking to you if you aren't hearing a word that comes out of my mouth? What's the point of talking to you if all you have to say to me are negative things?

I try so hard to say nice, loving, supportive, respectful things to you. I do my best to let you know that I am proud of the work that you do, the hours that you work, the beating that your body takes. I try, and I try, and I try, but I just feel like me and my feelings are nothing to you. I crawl into our bed at night, and even though you are there, I feel alone Colin. You say mean and hurtful things to me while you are sleeping and I am expected to forgive you because you are sleeping and you don't know what you are saying.

I believe that the stuff that people say while sleeping can be even more of a truth that the stuff that is said while they are awake. An inconsiderate bitch, a fat ass, lazy, and more names than I can think of. They are all things that you have said to me, awake and asleep. It hurts either way you say it. It hurts alot.

I know that I have said very mean and very hurtful things to you, and for that I am very sorry. I really try very hard to not say mean and hurtful things to you, because you don't deserve it. You deserve so much more than that, you deserve the world, Colin. I want to give you the world, but I don't know how to do that. I really don't.

Almost finished!!!!

I am so excited! I am sooooo close to having all of my Christmas gifts finished! I only have 6 for people to finish gifts for, and 4 of those gifts are already started, I just need to complete them! I am so excited. All that is left after that I getting Linda and Dylan taken care of for Colin, and finishing the afghan for Dottie. I feel like I have some good things for the boys and Colin is taken care of as well. I already got my gift. I went and got my hair cut. For the first time in almost two years!!! It felt so good!

Oh well, now here I am sitting in my bed, putting John Bradley to sleep so that I can continue to work on the gifts and get things finished off. I also need to wrap Colin's presents. The big box is driving me crazy!!! I keep having to move it from place to place so it's out of my way. So I'll wrap it up and set it under the tree... that way it will be out of my way, and Colin can't see what it is!!!!