Well, it's been forever and I feel that it's time to find something to talk about. Today is the 8th of January and I am really hoping that this year goes better than last year. I lost my Uncle Kevin on the 4th of July, big bummer. But I am just hoping that this year will be a better year for me as a person and me as a family.
I want to make things work better for us, and me as well. My health, my happiness, my sanity. I want to make things work.
I will have more updates when I know better of what I will do to make things better for me this year!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Monday, December 17, 2012
My not so happy place.
Dear Colin,
This is a letter that I am writing you because the words that I have been telling you have not been getting through. Today is Monday, December 16th, 2012 and I know that this letter is going to take more than one day to write so I will be keeping track of time while I write this to you. I am sorry if this seems very formal and kind of cold but I don't know if any other way to tell you what is on my mind. I am falling apart and I just don't know how to handle this anymore.
I am looking for a man in my life, who actually wants to be in my life. I know that I have my faults, but I will at least admit them. I hate cleaning, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, sorting, organizing, and anything else that involves taking care of the house. I am also not fond of being a stay at home mom. I love my children, more than anything in the world, including you, but I just don't feel like I am meant to stay here every single day and take care of our kids. I feel like I should be working, making money and bringing something home for my family. I feel that you have made it very clear to me that you are a very important person because you are the one that makes the money. I don't even know how to make sense of what I feel right now, but I am so upset because of how you make me feel about your responsibilities, about how they are more important than my responsibilities.
I feel like there is not a time in the day that I am respected or treated well. You wake up in the morning complaining about some mess, or not being able to find something. Then you come home and complain about how I've done nothing all day long. Then it's a complaint about what or what time we're eating. After dinner I'm ignored, sitting around my living room, or in our bedroom, alone while you are playing video games. I have to entertain myself, watch movies alone, have no one to talk to. I get so fristrated when I am talking to you and then just a few minutes later I need to repeat myself because you haven't heard me. What's the point of even talking to you if you aren't hearing a word that comes out of my mouth? What's the point of talking to you if all you have to say to me are negative things?
I try so hard to say nice, loving, supportive, respectful things to you. I do my best to let you know that I am proud of the work that you do, the hours that you work, the beating that your body takes. I try, and I try, and I try, but I just feel like me and my feelings are nothing to you. I crawl into our bed at night, and even though you are there, I feel alone Colin. You say mean and hurtful things to me while you are sleeping and I am expected to forgive you because you are sleeping and you don't know what you are saying.
I believe that the stuff that people say while sleeping can be even more of a truth that the stuff that is said while they are awake. An inconsiderate bitch, a fat ass, lazy, and more names than I can think of. They are all things that you have said to me, awake and asleep. It hurts either way you say it. It hurts alot.
I know that I have said very mean and very hurtful things to you, and for that I am very sorry. I really try very hard to not say mean and hurtful things to you, because you don't deserve it. You deserve so much more than that, you deserve the world, Colin. I want to give you the world, but I don't know how to do that. I really don't.
This is a letter that I am writing you because the words that I have been telling you have not been getting through. Today is Monday, December 16th, 2012 and I know that this letter is going to take more than one day to write so I will be keeping track of time while I write this to you. I am sorry if this seems very formal and kind of cold but I don't know if any other way to tell you what is on my mind. I am falling apart and I just don't know how to handle this anymore.
I am looking for a man in my life, who actually wants to be in my life. I know that I have my faults, but I will at least admit them. I hate cleaning, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, sorting, organizing, and anything else that involves taking care of the house. I am also not fond of being a stay at home mom. I love my children, more than anything in the world, including you, but I just don't feel like I am meant to stay here every single day and take care of our kids. I feel like I should be working, making money and bringing something home for my family. I feel that you have made it very clear to me that you are a very important person because you are the one that makes the money. I don't even know how to make sense of what I feel right now, but I am so upset because of how you make me feel about your responsibilities, about how they are more important than my responsibilities.
I feel like there is not a time in the day that I am respected or treated well. You wake up in the morning complaining about some mess, or not being able to find something. Then you come home and complain about how I've done nothing all day long. Then it's a complaint about what or what time we're eating. After dinner I'm ignored, sitting around my living room, or in our bedroom, alone while you are playing video games. I have to entertain myself, watch movies alone, have no one to talk to. I get so fristrated when I am talking to you and then just a few minutes later I need to repeat myself because you haven't heard me. What's the point of even talking to you if you aren't hearing a word that comes out of my mouth? What's the point of talking to you if all you have to say to me are negative things?
I try so hard to say nice, loving, supportive, respectful things to you. I do my best to let you know that I am proud of the work that you do, the hours that you work, the beating that your body takes. I try, and I try, and I try, but I just feel like me and my feelings are nothing to you. I crawl into our bed at night, and even though you are there, I feel alone Colin. You say mean and hurtful things to me while you are sleeping and I am expected to forgive you because you are sleeping and you don't know what you are saying.
I believe that the stuff that people say while sleeping can be even more of a truth that the stuff that is said while they are awake. An inconsiderate bitch, a fat ass, lazy, and more names than I can think of. They are all things that you have said to me, awake and asleep. It hurts either way you say it. It hurts alot.
I know that I have said very mean and very hurtful things to you, and for that I am very sorry. I really try very hard to not say mean and hurtful things to you, because you don't deserve it. You deserve so much more than that, you deserve the world, Colin. I want to give you the world, but I don't know how to do that. I really don't.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Almost finished!!!!
I am so excited! I am sooooo close to having all of my Christmas gifts finished! I only have 6 for people to finish gifts for, and 4 of those gifts are already started, I just need to complete them! I am so excited. All that is left after that I getting Linda and Dylan taken care of for Colin, and finishing the afghan for Dottie. I feel like I have some good things for the boys and Colin is taken care of as well. I already got my gift. I went and got my hair cut. For the first time in almost two years!!! It felt so good!
Oh well, now here I am sitting in my bed, putting John Bradley to sleep so that I can continue to work on the gifts and get things finished off. I also need to wrap Colin's presents. The big box is driving me crazy!!! I keep having to move it from place to place so it's out of my way. So I'll wrap it up and set it under the tree... that way it will be out of my way, and Colin can't see what it is!!!!
Oh well, now here I am sitting in my bed, putting John Bradley to sleep so that I can continue to work on the gifts and get things finished off. I also need to wrap Colin's presents. The big box is driving me crazy!!! I keep having to move it from place to place so it's out of my way. So I'll wrap it up and set it under the tree... that way it will be out of my way, and Colin can't see what it is!!!!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
ARRRRGHGAVADKFJOIEWFJFAEFAFAGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that it is fairly safe to say that I am in a bad mood today. No matter what I do to try to calm down, it's just not working. I bet you can guess that most of my bad mood stems from one person and one person alone. The boyfriend. I understand that he works full time, technically more than full time, but I don't feel that it justifies his feelings toward EVERYTHING.
All I am asking for is one friggin hour of tv tonight. ONE HOUR! Apparently that is just toooooooo much to ask for, especially considering the fact that he NEVER gets to watch tv, OR play video games. It's BALONEY. He has been playing this damned game for over two weeks now! I guess the only thing that bothers me is the fact that I am asking for one hour every Wednesday night, and he can't give that to me.
It makes me feel like the work I do is for nothing. NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
All I am asking for is one friggin hour of tv tonight. ONE HOUR! Apparently that is just toooooooo much to ask for, especially considering the fact that he NEVER gets to watch tv, OR play video games. It's BALONEY. He has been playing this damned game for over two weeks now! I guess the only thing that bothers me is the fact that I am asking for one hour every Wednesday night, and he can't give that to me.
It makes me feel like the work I do is for nothing. NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
It's been a while
I can't even remember how long it's been since putting my thoughts in this little computer of mine! So here goes....
I am sooooooo stressed out about Christmas, shopping, and getting into the holiday season. The boys and I walked over to the produce stand today so that we could look at the Christmas trees before buying them when Colin gets paid, and were blown away. The tree that I want is $56.00!!! I remember going to Chubby & Tubby's and getting a tree with my mom and dad for only $20.00.
I am also hand making almost every gift for my friends and family, which I started way too close to Christmas that I don't think that I am going to be done in time. I need to finish my afghan for Dottie, and all the other gifts for the kiddos, including two more afghans!!!
I also decided last minute that I am going to join this years Just Between Friends sale so that I can get rid of all the extra toys the boys have. That way I can make space for all the new CRAP the boys will be getting this year. I just need to go through the toys, organize and package them, then make tags, print tags, stick them on the toys, and bring them to the church to sell them. After a $10.00 fee is taken out, I will receive 60% of the money made from the sale of my belongings.
I am excited for the holidays though, for the first time in a couple of years!
I am sooooooo stressed out about Christmas, shopping, and getting into the holiday season. The boys and I walked over to the produce stand today so that we could look at the Christmas trees before buying them when Colin gets paid, and were blown away. The tree that I want is $56.00!!! I remember going to Chubby & Tubby's and getting a tree with my mom and dad for only $20.00.
I am also hand making almost every gift for my friends and family, which I started way too close to Christmas that I don't think that I am going to be done in time. I need to finish my afghan for Dottie, and all the other gifts for the kiddos, including two more afghans!!!
I also decided last minute that I am going to join this years Just Between Friends sale so that I can get rid of all the extra toys the boys have. That way I can make space for all the new CRAP the boys will be getting this year. I just need to go through the toys, organize and package them, then make tags, print tags, stick them on the toys, and bring them to the church to sell them. After a $10.00 fee is taken out, I will receive 60% of the money made from the sale of my belongings.
I am excited for the holidays though, for the first time in a couple of years!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
In over my head
Holy cow, I think I've bitten off more than I can chew! I just want to get this house clean and organized, but doing all of it ALL at once is probably too much to handle. Well, I know that it's too much to handle.
I decided that the boy finally need a real bedroom, one that isn't filled with Grandpa's things, and unsafe stuff. I started this project yesterday and have it almost completely finished, the only thing left is the top shelf, which is full of all of Grandma and Grandpa's knick knacks. I also need to get the two computer towers out of there, they belong to Colin and I.
The other tasks that I am working on are my regular duties, laundry, kitchen, and the rest of the house. I also have to sort and organize the stuff that I took out of the bedroom. I just want my home to make sense to me, I am so tired of clutter, I lived with it long enough at my parent's house, I don't want it any more.
I would also like to sort and organize the closet in the dining room, my goal is to make more space in there so I can take some of the linens out of the coset in our room, and have some space for our stuff. Our bedroom is so crowded with mostly linens and clothes that have no "home".
Same with the pantry, it is full of crap. Tons of tupperware, broken kitchen appliances, and old pots and pans that haven't been used in years, at least as long as my Grandma's been gone, if not longer. I know that the stuff in this house is my Grandparent's, but I have permission from Grandpa to clean, organize, and get rid of things.
The ONLY problem, is that I've started ALL of these projects all at once and now my house is trashed. Clothes everywhere, messy kitchen, messy living room. It looks like a tornado and blown through the inside of my house. Now Colin is pissed. The house is so trashed that it is really getting on his nerves. He wants the house clean and is angry that it isn't.
Oh well, enough of a rant for the day. Time to get positive.
I decided that the boy finally need a real bedroom, one that isn't filled with Grandpa's things, and unsafe stuff. I started this project yesterday and have it almost completely finished, the only thing left is the top shelf, which is full of all of Grandma and Grandpa's knick knacks. I also need to get the two computer towers out of there, they belong to Colin and I.
The other tasks that I am working on are my regular duties, laundry, kitchen, and the rest of the house. I also have to sort and organize the stuff that I took out of the bedroom. I just want my home to make sense to me, I am so tired of clutter, I lived with it long enough at my parent's house, I don't want it any more.
I would also like to sort and organize the closet in the dining room, my goal is to make more space in there so I can take some of the linens out of the coset in our room, and have some space for our stuff. Our bedroom is so crowded with mostly linens and clothes that have no "home".
Same with the pantry, it is full of crap. Tons of tupperware, broken kitchen appliances, and old pots and pans that haven't been used in years, at least as long as my Grandma's been gone, if not longer. I know that the stuff in this house is my Grandparent's, but I have permission from Grandpa to clean, organize, and get rid of things.
The ONLY problem, is that I've started ALL of these projects all at once and now my house is trashed. Clothes everywhere, messy kitchen, messy living room. It looks like a tornado and blown through the inside of my house. Now Colin is pissed. The house is so trashed that it is really getting on his nerves. He wants the house clean and is angry that it isn't.
Oh well, enough of a rant for the day. Time to get positive.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
King Tutankhamun
Holy Cow, today was amazing!!! My mom, sister, Amber and I went to the King Tut exhibit at the Pacific Science Center today. It was truly amazing!
I so enjoyed seeing all of the artifacts and reading all about each item, and what they meant to that time on Earth. The jewelry is so elaborate, and beautiful. I can't even describe to you how beautiful they all were. The beadwork, the stones, the engraved items, the gold, oh the gold. It was all so beautiful.
One of the things we saw was an inner chamber for one of the queen pharohs, it was made of cedar. It was also 3500 years (ish) old!!! It was still intact, so ornate, so beautiful.
Then, after the exhibit, we got lunch at the way OVERCROWDED Alderwood Mall, and Romano's Macaroni Grill. Yum-o!!! Everything was so tasty, and now that I'm stuffed on all that food, and have done tons of walking today, they boys are going to bed, and I'm going to veg out and not do anything!!!
I so enjoyed seeing all of the artifacts and reading all about each item, and what they meant to that time on Earth. The jewelry is so elaborate, and beautiful. I can't even describe to you how beautiful they all were. The beadwork, the stones, the engraved items, the gold, oh the gold. It was all so beautiful.
One of the things we saw was an inner chamber for one of the queen pharohs, it was made of cedar. It was also 3500 years (ish) old!!! It was still intact, so ornate, so beautiful.
Then, after the exhibit, we got lunch at the way OVERCROWDED Alderwood Mall, and Romano's Macaroni Grill. Yum-o!!! Everything was so tasty, and now that I'm stuffed on all that food, and have done tons of walking today, they boys are going to bed, and I'm going to veg out and not do anything!!!
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